Cluedo, a la Draco style

*THE LOUNGE*

*Evil, gory music*

Draco: *Insert girly scream here*
Tira: You wuss! Her head hasn’t come off yet!
Draco: Too much blood…
Tira: This coming from the man who could run a blood bank with the number of people he’s killed…
Draco: I don’t care! I want something else on!
Tira: FINE. What do you want to watch?

*Draco picks up a DVD and slots it in.*

Tira: No! NOOOOOO!
Draco: *sings along with Barney theme tune*
Tira: WE ALREADY WATCHED THIS ABOUT FIFTY TIMES!
Draco: Shh!
Tira: (sobs)



*THE KITCHEN*

Tira: (sneaks into the pantry) Hehehehe! Draco doesn’t know about my secret stash of easter eggs!

(opens cupboard)

Tira: The hell?! Where’s my freakin’ eggs?!

*Behind the pantry door…*

Tela: Shh, Mummy will hear us!
Draga: (giggles)
Tira: Who ate my chocolate? I know you’re in there somewhere!
Draga: *burps*
Tela: Draga!
Draga: Oops!
Tira: AHA! Got you! (pulls Tela/Draga out from behind door) Draco!
Draco: (comes running) What?
Tira: Look how much chocolate they just ate! (shows him empty boxes)
Draco: OMG! Tira! Were you really planning on eating all that!?
Tira: Well, yeah, but-!
Draco: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Tira: You’re not the boss of me!
Draco: I have Soul Edge.  Do as I say!
Tira: IT’S NOT FAIR! *cries and stomps off*

*THE DRAWING ROOM*

Draco: Tela, get out of-! Oh, hi son.
Draga: Hello Daddy! I thought I’d try drawing something!
Draco: That’s nice, what have you drawn?
Draga: A picture of you and Mummy!
Draco: O_O Why do me and Mummy have no clothes on!
Draga: Well, I was talking to Tela, and she said-
Draco: TIRAAAA!
Tira: If Tela’s been drawing again, I’ll-!
Draco: No! Look at this!
Tira: Draga!
Draco: Haha, you’re in for it now!
Tira: What have I told you? You must always draw in proportion!  You’ve drawn Daddy all big!
Draco: …AND WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU IMPLYING?!
Tira: *whistles*

*THE STUDY*

Draga: (clicks mouse) Heeheehee! ^_^
Tira: Draco, what ARE you doing?
Draco: (hastily closes window) Um, nothing my darling!
Tira: Have you been ogling girls again?!
Draco: You eye up Sephy!
Tira: (blushes) Yeah, well…I don’t fangirl Cloud, do I?
Draco: Only cos he wouldn’t have you!
Tira: -___-
Draco: See! And what about all those fanboys you have??
Tira: Not half as many as you, gayboy!
Draco: PARDON?!

*WHOOSH!*

Raphael: DRACO! MY ‘ERO! I LOVE YOOOOOU! *huggle*
Draco: Eww, I’m being hugged by a Frenchman! GET OFF ME, PIMP KING!
Raphael:
Draco: OUT! *boots him through the door* AND I HOPE YOU WASHED BEFORE TOUCHING ME!
Tira: ROFL
Draco: Right, just for that…

*POOF!*

Tira: Haha, Draco’s got gay sound effects!
Draco: You just keep laughing…
Ivy: Remember me honey?
Tira: O_O Please remove your hand from my shoulder...
Ivy: You know you like it…
Tira: WOAH THAT HAND RIGHT THERE MISSY!
Draco: ROFL
Tira: Go touch Draco! He likes it!
Ivy: No thanks, I don’t dig him.  I saw that picture your son drew…he’s not all hot.
Draco: Ha…ha…HEY!!
Tira: GOTCHA!

*THE CONSERVATORY*

Draco: *Makes swishy noises with sword*
Tira: C’mon! Put a bit of anger into it!
Draco: I don’t do angry…and I can’t be bothered
Tira: Oh yeah?
Draco: Try me.
Tira: Draco smells! (no response) Um, I love Yoshimitsu?

*Swishy noises become more frequent*

Draco: *eyetwitch*
Tira: Ah, this’ll do! (gets Barney plushie and rips its head off)

*SMAAAASH!*

Draco: NOW I’M ANGRY!
Tira: (from underneath glass and walls) I noticed…
Draco: Was that too much?
Tira: (muffled) Just a little bit…

*THE DINING ROOM*

Draga: I’M HUNGRY!
Tela: I’M STARVING! (both start whining)
Draco: Sheesh, and people say one kid is noisy!!!
Tira: Dinner is served!
Draga: (stares at plate) What the hell is that?
Tira: It’s called ‘Tira’s surprise’!
Tela: …Why’s it all purple and mushy?
Draco: Who cares, it’s delish! Any more?
Tira: Nope…I only had one dinosaur plushie…
Draga: (spits it out) Gross!
Tela: Daddy, what’s wrong?
Draco: O_O ….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! (runs from room screaming)
Draga: My God, even I grew out of Barney the Dinosaur at the age of five…
Tela: Mummy, that was really mean!
Tira: Serves him right! He just cost us £10,000 in damages to repair the conservatory!

*THE BALLROOM*

(Cue room full of people dancing)

Tira: When the hell did we have one of these?
Draco: Shall we dance? (starts waltzing)
Tira: O_O OMG, you’re wearing that hat again…
Draco: What’s wrong with my dress sense?
Tira: It’s…how do I put this…
Draco: Yes?
Tira: You look like Raphael’s brother…
Draco: I’ll ignore that comment.
Tira: Draco, is that your hand on my bum?
Draco: …No…
Nightmare: (waltzes by with Ivy) Don’t mind me!
Draco: *eyetwitch*
Tira: You’re still doing it…
Draco: Link, what are you doing to my wife‘s ass?
Link: *grunts and jumps out the window*
Tira: Shame…if only he’d learn to talk, he’d be quite cute…
Draco: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…(sees everyone is eyeing up Tira, then they hastily turn away when they realise Draco has noticed them)

*THE LIBRARY*

Tira: It’s not half quiet in here…
Zasalamel: (ominously) I shall kill you here and now!

*WHEEEEEE*

Tira: (ducks as book misses her head) OH, REAL ORIGINAL!
Zasalamel: Come, I shall hold a requiem for your soul.
Tira: Can you say anything new???
Zasalamel: Do you know how much they pay me, just to say the same few lines?
Tira: Loser.
Zasalamel: Bitch.
Tira: Bookworm!
Zasalamel: I don’t have time for this. (evolves into Abyss and tries to fly away)

*WHEEEEEE…*

*CLANG!*

Abyss: Oh crap.
Tira: HAHA! CAUGHT BY YOUR OWN TRAP!
Tela; MUMMY! Did you find that book on pets I wanted? (sees Abyss in cage) Oh my God! You BOUGHT me a pet! Thank you Mummy!
Abyss: I am not your pet!
Tela: Wow it talks! I’m gonna call him Fluffy! *gets a hairbrush*
Abyss: NO! Get away from me!

*Several hours of grooming later…Abyss is covered in pink ribbons and glitter*

Tela: Aww my pet looks all pretty! Can I keep him Mummy? Please?
Tira: Go on then.  He’s better than that duck you had…

*THE BILLIARD ROOM*

Draga: What the hell is a billiard room?
Draco: I dunno…it has…sticks and balls…
Draga: Why’s that green table got holes in the corners?
Draco: Um…
Draga: I know what this is! It’s a dueling room! (seizes a snooker cue) En Guarde!
Draco: Pfft, like you’ll beat me!
Draga: Come on Daddy! Are you scared?
Draco: Go on then…(grabs other cue and hits Draga with it)
Draga: Ow! That hurts!
Draco: Wuss!  You have to be tough in battle!

*Draga is nearly defeated when…*

Draco: AAAARGH! *falls over*
Draga: Yay!
Draco: YOU CHEAT! YOU THREW SNOOKER BALLS UNDER MY FEET!
Draga: I never!
Draco: Come here, you little-!
Draga: MUUUUUM! HELP!

*Draga makes a hasty escape with Draco hots on his heels, whilst the Benny Hill theme tune plays in the background*

*THE HALL*

Tira: Sit still, Tela!
Tela: But Mummy, you’ve been taking photos for HOURS now!
Tira: Well, if you hadn’t been pulling silly faces we’d have been done ages ago! I want at least one nice photo of you for our hallway!
Tela: Fine…
Tira: That’s nice, sweetie. Smile!

*Just then…*

Draga: …aaaaaaAAAAAAAARGH!
Draco: …I’ll get you, you cheating-!
Tira: DRACO! You RUINED the picture!
Draco: (is too busy strangling Draco)
Tira: Ooh! (snaps photo)
Draco: Tira! I didn’t see you there! Give me that camera!
Tira: No!
Draco: I said-
Tira: You’ll have to catch me first! (runs up the stairs)
Draco: GIMME THAT CAMERA! (runs after her)
Tela: …What was that about?
Draga: (rubs neck) I think Daddy and Mummy are on drugs or something…

*THE NURSERY*

Draco: (knocks on door) Tela? Draga? Time for bed…

*No reply*

Draco: You kids in there? (slowly opens door, which creaks loudly)

*Psycho music plays*

Draco: Hello?

*Snaps on light*

Draco: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Pooh: GIVE ME YOUR SOUL!
Draco: NOOOOOOOOO! (runs out of room)
Tela/Draga: ROFL
Tira: Draco! What-
Draco: SAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEE! (leaps into Tira’s arms)
Tira: You baby! (drops him)
Draco: (gibbering) HELPPOOHBEAR’SGONNAEATME!
Tira: (sigh) Draco, there’s no such thing as a cannibal bear. Shall I prove it to you? (pushes open nursery door) See!
Draco: (squeals and hides face)
Tira: Kids! Come out of there!

*Hears singing*

Tira: O_O
Jigglypuff: JIGGLYPUFF!
Tira: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (leaps into Draco’s arms)
Draco: YOU’RE SCARED OF A POKEMON! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Tira: KIDS, GET OUT HERE NOW!

(Tela and Draga emerge, chuckling, Draga has his pooh bear, and Tela her Jigglypuff)

Draco/Tira: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Tira: You know what? You stay up as long as you want!
Draco: I second that!
Tela/Draga: Yay!

*THE FINAL ROOM…THE BEDROOM*

Draco: I wonder whodunnit…
Tira: Who done what?
Draco: Nothing…

*Meanwhile, downstairs…*

Yoshimitsu: Namunamunamu! (waves spanner above his head)

*BANG*

Yoshimitsu: OWWWW! *passes out*
Draco: Hey you’re right Tela! You did hear something in the dining room!
Tela/Draga: ARGH! Big scary clown! (both attack it furiously)
Draco: Y’know, I always thought he was a spanner…

*Silence, where Tira, Tela and Draga stare at Draco blankly*

Draco: That was a finishing line you fools.  We’re all supposed to laugh together, like those happy-family movie endings…
Tira: Whatever…

*THE END!*